I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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