I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
