just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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