So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
