Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
