Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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