Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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