apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
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found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
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He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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