saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
bring money and cleavage
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
