He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
