it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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