shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
