i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Randomize
