On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
