friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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