4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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