Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
