Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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