I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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