The maid of honor just puked.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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