i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
