I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
