he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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