Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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