I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
