Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
