I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
