Plan B is the new Plan A
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
