thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
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Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
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Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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