So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
