Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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