My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize