I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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