What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize