after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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