Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
