I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
