Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
