i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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