Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
