I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
