I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
