while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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