Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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