Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
