Christians are straight up FREAKS
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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