The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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