what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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