My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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