My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
