There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
