that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so let's talk penis.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
not ubering you a puppy
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
