I wish my penis had an off switch
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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