I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
