i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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