I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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