I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
