He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
