I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
