I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
